


matchbox

by sunflower_8



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Alcohol, Dissociation, Emotional Baggage, F/F, Genderbending, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mental Breakdown, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:09:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24379249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflower_8/pseuds/sunflower_8
Summary: souda frowns a bit, “tomorrow’s sunday, yeah? feels a bit sacrilegious to drink, ha.”“tomorrow’s tuesday.”well, if there was any hope that souda has her life together, it’s gone now. “shit, sorry.”(or, souda and hinata talk on the phone as souda slowly breaks down)
Relationships: Hinata Hajime & Soda Kazuichi, Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito (mentioned), Soda Kazuichi/Tanaka Gundham, Sonia Nevermind/Soda Kazuichi (Past)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 136





	matchbox

souda only feels alive when she touches a match.

she’s working on a machine, her girlfriend lingering somewhere, her best friend on the phone resting between her shoulder and cheek, and yet the only thing that feels  _ real  _ is the sparks on the machine, the flicker of a flame inside a candle set up on a matchbox. they don’t keep candles around much-- tanaka prefers incense and souda hardly cares-- but the one they  _ do  _ have is alit and lavender. souda hates the scent of lavender, the exact opposite of calming, what makes a headache rage in her head, but-

“souda? you there?”

right. she’s calling hinata.

she tweaks with a loose screw on the mechanism, muttering a “sorry, sorry” and taking a breath before asking, “what’re we talkin’ about again?”

hinata snorts. “if you’re busy, i could have called later.”

“nah, soul friends come first!” she puts on a grin because, even if hinata can’t see it, it’s better to keep a smile in the hopes that her voice will sound lighter, too. even though she hasn’t talked to anybody aside from tanaka and, now, hinata, in months. she keeps herself isolated, working on fixing up the house because who gives a  _ shit  _ how things are outside? if her father taught her anything, it was that she was (useless dumb ordinary idiotic worthless) better with machines than flowers, even though she was a girl.

(the bitter taste of misogyny-- tanaka would call it a curse.)

anyway, soul friends come first but only after machines because machines can  _ tick tick tick  _ in a rhythm while friends can  _ move move move  _ away or not answer a text tone and souda doesn’t need friends, really, because most of hers hate her (ha ha ha) but she figures hinata won’t react well to that. not that hinata is, like, an asshole. none of her friends are assholes. it’s just, well… 

_ souda  _ is an asshole.

“alright, alright,” hinata replies. “uh, we were talking about nevermind’s party and shit. you hardcore crushed on him a year ago, yeah? but now you two are, like, tight. so i figured you’d want to go.”   
  


well, they aren’t actually tight. nevermind’s nice and all, but nevermind also fucking hates her because, y’know, when souda ‘crushes’, she goes  _ hard.  _ as in, like, obsessive hard. which has psychological implications and hinata probably knows that, but she’s probably just trying to be nice and not call out her best friend for being a fucking loser. which, fair play.

souda never really liked nevermind anyway. she liked the idea of him-- someone perfect and polite and a gentleman. someone who can take her broken parts and make her into a docile, pretty girl in the way that her father always wanted (even if he’s the one who broke her, bruises littered like rusty scraps on the body of a kid). someone who is kind and funny and sweet-- someone as  _ wonderful _ as nevermind. but when it comes to  _ liking _ him, truly, that was never souda’s thing. souda’s more into her girlfriend, currently. even if tanaka is definitely going to leave her for someone better. souda isn’t very… witchy, like her girlfriend. she’s more bitchy. ha, ha. souda should launch a comedy career.

most comedians are depressed, so it checks out.

she sets down her tools momentarily to reply to hinata. “yeah, dude!” she cheers with enthusiasm she totally doesn’t have. “obviously i don’t like nevermind anymore, but i like parties!” another lie. she fucking hates parties. she doesn’t want to see people who will ask her  _ where have you been all fucking summer  _ and have to say some shit like  _ travelling  _ even if she’s spent most of it fixating on the coffee machine. but hinata’s worried about her, so she probably needs to put up a mask. “uh, when’s the party, by the way?”

“tomorrow at 9. technically ends at midnight, but i’m pretty sure nevermind is gonna stay up all night. i’ll be the designated driver so you can have at it.”

souda frowns a bit, “tomorrow’s sunday, yeah? feels a bit sacrilegious to drink, ha.”

“tomorrow’s tuesday.”

well, if there was any hope that souda has her life together, it’s gone now. “shit, sorry.”

“no need to apologize.” hinata’s voice is really calming. it’s, like, an alto kind of vibe, but there’s an honest kind of warmth to it. souda likes listening to her talk, which is a pretty nice quality, since they’re close and all. not that they’ve had much time to talk recently. but that’s on souda. speaking of which-- “hey, not to pry or anything, but is everything okay with you?”

“hell yeah! ‘m fixin’ up this machine, and after that i have-”

“okay, fuck the machines for a sec,” hinata interrupts bluntly. “are  _ you  _ okay? cuz, like, tanaka’s heard from you because you two live together, but nobody else has any idea what you’ve been up to. and usually, you make your presence known, so like… we’re kind of worried. nevermind’s actually really damn set on getting you to this party, to be frank. because we want to see you. make sure you aren’t dying or something.”

huh. souda never thought people would worry about her.

she doesn’t really have anything good to say to all that-- hinata’s pretty good at saying this whole argument rebuttal thing and leaving you speechless and unable to refute-- so she goes with, “i talk to you.”

“you went from texting me, like, twice a day, to texting me every four days with a question about cooking or something,” hinata argues. souda bites her lip.  _ dammit.  _ “i’m not, like, pissed. i’m just worried. i don’t think i did something shitty, but both of us know i’m really bad at picking up on those kinds of things, so like…”

“i mean, ya don’t reach out to me either!” souda walks away from the machine, leaning against the door of her garage. “how ‘m i supposed to know things are okay with you?”

“i have been reaching out, souda. you just have me on do not disturb or something, because i’ve sent you a lot of texts. actually, hold on-” a beat, and then- “souda, you  _ replied  _ to these texts. i’ve been texting you more, actually, cuz i’m fucking worried.”

“oh.” souda probably has replied to them and just forgot. she does that. dissociates and forgets to answer things. she only really feels things when she’s working on fixing something, or breathing in the agitating sense of lavender candles, or getting kissed by her girlfriend, or seeing fire--

actually, hold on. she makes her way over to the matchbox, tuning out the voice of hinata who is off on a whole tangent again. she sets the phone on speaker, placing it down on the table and moving the candle aside. she fiddles with the matchbox in her hands. hm. idea.

“souda, are you even listening to me?” hinata asks, slightly agitated. souda gives a non-committal hum. “should i drive over? me and komaeda can bake you something-” right, hinata has a girlfriend. a weird, creepy, scary girlfriend, but a girlfriend. one that is surprisingly more deserving than souda, who is a copycat piece of shit. komaeda probably treats hinata well. komaeda probably doesn’t isolate (she does, but like, not in an asshole way). komaeda probably makes hinata dinner every once in a while instead of waiting for her partner to cook all the shit. komaeda probably holds her hand in public. komaeda probably goes in public. komaeda-- terrifying, depressing, paranoid komaeda-- is probably a lot better than souda. “-souda, can you please answer me?”

oh yeah. souda’s still looking at the matches, a sort of numb feeling settling in her bones. she feels… self destructive. like there’s this shit piling up and she just kinda. wants to do something about it. reminds her of a time she had a mental breakdown and tanaka held her in her arms as the two of them talked about their stupid fucking dads. souda bitched about her dad for a straight two hours and tanaka didn’t move. tanaka’s really cool. but tanaka is off doing arcane shit somewhere in the house and souda would feel really shitty about grabbing her. oh, shit, she’s supposed to answer hinata. “’m good,” she says in a kind of far-off voice.

hinata’s voice softens, like, a lot. “you aren’t. do you want to tell me what’s wrong, or should i just… come over?”

“mm. neither.”

“yeah, that’s not gonna work for me. sorry.”

“don’t wanna bother ya,” souda mumbles.

“you won’t. you’re not a bother, like, ever.” a pause. “souda, what’s wrong? i’ll listen however long you need me, i’ll do whatever you want, i’ll-”   
  


“does it ever feel like…” she starts off slowly, shivering at the sound of silence on the line (not even static), “… like there’s this heavy weight or something on ya and the only thing ya wanna do is make it stop, but ya kinda can’t so you’re stuck fucking thinkin’ about how much you suck and  _ how alone you are? _ ”

hinata sighs quietly, “souda, that’s… not healthy.”

“’s probably just a me thing-”

“it’s not. komaeda deals with similar shit, you know that-” souda does. except, komaeda must be a bit lovable, yeah? if hinata can date her? “-and i do too.”

“what?” that snaps souda out of it.   
  


she scoffs. “i mean, i’m an in-debt loser who is, like, out of it all the time. i dealt with depression back in high school. i get it.”

wait.

huh? 

“woah, hold on a sec, who said i was depressed?” souda questions wildly.

(she shakily opens the matchbox.)

hinata huffs, but it isn’t really irritated, “i mean, just taking a guess here. that’s not really normal. like, feeling that heavy isn’t good. and you’ve been isolating and shit and i know things were really hard back in the day for you, so like, that fuels into it? i don’t know. i’m just guessing. komaeda has a therapist, though, so if you wanna go see someone…”

“mm,” souda hums neutrally. the match sets alight with a scratchy noise, and she holds it carefully above her arm. “’m good.”

“souda, what was-”

_ deep breaths. deep breaths. this will make you feel better. do it, pussy. go on, go fuck yourself up, go crazy go wild, fucking- _

_ FUCK. _

oh fuck, that hurt. that hurt a lot. fuck. okay. well. shit. she blows out the match and holds onto the wound. ow ow ow. fuck. that sucked. “ _ shit _ !”

“are you okay? do i need to phone someone?”

“nah, nah, ’m good, i just-” souda kind of feels like sobbing. she blinks back tears. “i just, uh, burned my arm. i’ll get tanaka to fix it up.”

“souda, i’m coming over.”

“nah, dude, you don’t gotta-”

“i’m getting popcorn and a movie and i’m coming the fuck over. no debate. get tanaka to fix your arm or i’ll kick your ass.”

“geez, geez! alright!” she still feels like she’s in a dream, her own voice hurting her ears.

hinata’s sounds a bit warmer when she takes a breath and murmurs, “it’s gonna be okay, y’know? s’okay. like, shit sucks right now, but it’ll be less shitty later. no idea when. it just will. that’s how shit is. and that sucks, but i-”

“fuck everything,” souda sobs out. 

her friend goes quiet for a bit before she mutters, “fuck everything.”

even when hinata hangs up, souda’s still mumbling  _ fuck everything, fuck everything, fuck everything.  _ and when tanaka looks at her injuries and asks, dropping the cryptic speech, what happened to her beloved, is it a demon’s wrath, and even when hinata comes over and komaeda waves from the car, there isn’t anything aside from that that souda can say.

**Author's Note:**

> another vent. oopsies.
> 
> uh. idk why they're genderbent. or how old they are. or literally anything??? i was just feeling, y'know, so i wrote a fic and here we are.
> 
> have a nice day.


End file.
